Behind the Clouds.

I went to see my new therapist today for the second time. I can’t remember if I mentioned my first session, but it wasn’t a good one – not that it had anything to do with her at all. She seems quite alright. I try my best not to judge people too quickly, they might turn around and surprise you later.

Mostly we talked about my need to control things around me and how I react emotionally when I feel like I’m losing control and what strategies I use to cope with what I consider “loss of control”. The problem is; I use destructive strategies and since I haven’t self harmed in 457 days – I use bingeing and purging as my emergency exit when my feelings get the best of me.

As I was leaving she said she was going to “register my diagnosis” and I had to ask her what she meant, at first I was scared she was giving me a new diagnosis based on two meetings, but she was just registering my current diagnoses into their computer system. May I add that I’m quite pleased because I’ve only got two diagnoses compared to the longer list I dragged around a few years ago? My main diagnosis is atypical anorexia (slightly surprised she didn’t add “bulimic tendencies” but I guess my papers are detailed already) and agoraphobia.

I haven’t slept very well lately. No matter when I go to bed, I rarely fall asleep before 4am, which makes it hell to get up early if I have appointments or it makes me feel like a failure when I wake up around noon.

Today is day four without bingeing and purging. I surprised myself by making it through yesterday and I surprised myself when I went to the supermarket today without buying binge food. I just hope I’ll be able to stay on track because I’m having a “terrible body image day”, which basically means that my own appearance disgusts me. Why? Because of water retention. The water still hasn’t left my body and it makes me weigh a kilo (a couple pounds) more than I usually consider “too much” and it’s making me feel beyond horrible.

(How I felt this morning)
As I stepped on the scale this morning I immediately regretted my decision and my first thought was that I needed to binge and purge today, both as punishment and to not have to deal with this intense self hatred. It’s tiring and boring, I wish it wasn’t so hard to love myself? I don’t know how to.

Mirrors like these explains my terrible body image quite well. Imagine if you looked in a normal mirror and felt somehow like this? Knowing it’s not how you really look, but still you’re somehow fooled into trusting what you see?

But on the other hand I kept thinking how today’s day four which means today might be the day where my body will flush the excess water? I mean, I’ve been disappointed on day two, day three and day four already, so what’s one more? And I’m pretty sure I’ll fight to get through tomorrow as well because if I’m still full of water by the end of today, surely it MUST go away during tomorrow?

I’m desperately trying to convince myself of how it’ll be worth it once the water goes away, how I’ll feel more determined and more at ease with my own body and hopefully how motivated I’ll be to continue fighting this battle after getting through these crucial days. As I’ve said before; the beginning is always the hardest part.

It makes me sad to see how messed up my body is at the moment and knowing that I did this to myself. Fingers crossed for getting through the day. I’m hoping it wont be a problem because as I already mentioned; I don’t have any binge food available and it almost never happens that I lose control and binge one “safe food” (=acceptable food, food I can eat and keep down without feeling the need to purge).

On a britghter note: today’s been more or less anxiety free! I have absolutely NO IDEA of why, but after my therapy session my dad was picking me up but he was late so I started walking, and after walking for a few minutes it just hit me “why are you not panicking?!” I didn’t even think about it, I just started walking and once I was aware of how free I felt, it was thrilling and a huge relief to just be able to NOT obsess over everything that can go wrong. Out of the blue I started laughing, even if I was all alone.

Instead of going home we (me and my dad) went to a mall and had coffee. I also ran an errand by myself, ALONE while my dad was waiting in the car. I even had to ask someone to help me out because I couldn’t find what I was looking for.

I don’t even know how to explain how enjoyable this sort of freedom truly feels. All I know is that on days like this; all I can think about is how I want more, how badly I want it to be like this every single day. Days like today makes me feel like it’s possible to recover and experience days like today everyday.

And one more thing; as of right now I’ve decided to write posts in English every now and then, depending on how I feel. I apologize to those of you who weren’t very enthusiastic about this, but in the end this is my blog and I have to do what suits me best. As some of you know I’ve been pouring my heart out on a secondary blog for the past two years – written in english and I’ve come to realize how much time I spend writing similar stories in two different languages.

Those of you who’ve followed my blog for a few years know how “colorful” this blog used to be, I used to take lots of pictures and I wrote posts almost everyday (or even several times a day!). I want this back, therefore I’ve figured it’s easier to (at times) express myself in English only because it’ll mean that I’ve got the time to take pictures and edit them as well. My goal is to get this blog back to how lively it used to be because this blog will always be my main blog.

I hope you guys have a great weekend, and thank you for all your lovely comments and support. ♡


9 Responses to “Behind the Clouds.”

  1. 1 Maren Marengs 16. August 2013 at 18:22

    UTROLIG HYGGELIG Å LESE AT DU HADDE EN GOD DAG FRI FRA ANGSTEN! :-D Og gratulerer med dag 4, gleder meg til å lese at du klarer dag 5 også ^^,

  2. 3 Malin H. 16. August 2013 at 18:57

    Hei Karianne,

    I fordindelse med temaet spiseforstyrrelse som du nevner denne gang, så lurer jeg på hva din spiseforstyrrelse betyr for deg (?)

    Videre grubler jeg på av omtanke for deg;
    om det skulle være 1 ting dine venner/bekjente/familie/psykolog kunne gjøre for og hjelpe deg til å nå de målene du har satt deg, hva ville det ha vært?

    Håper du finner lysten til å svare, om ikke så er det også greit.

    Beste hilsen Malin <3

  3. 5 mrianne 16. August 2013 at 23:48

    Det var en slags god energi i dette innlegget, syns jeg. Så jeg håper du har det bra, SELV om du også har det tøft! Heier på deg (fattig oppmuntring, men…).

    En ting slo meg da du skrev om det å være glad i seg selv. For min del var det overhodet ikke et valg eller en mulig tanke før jeg var blitt utfordret nok (leeeenge) med “hvorfor fortjener ikke du å ha det bra? Hva har du gjort som skal ha det så fælt? Hvorfor fortjener ikke du å være glad i deg selv? Hvorfor skal ikke du ha folk rundt deg som bryr seg og er glad i deg? Hva galt har du gjort?”

    Og nå som det er blitt et slags valg og en (start på en) mulig måte å leve på, så omfatter det så mye mer enn “bare” å akseptere kroppen som den er. Det innebærer også en annen måte å se min virkelighet på: Jeg ER verdt noe, jeg HAR noe å bidra med, jeg KAN, jeg KLARER, jeg ER bra, jeg ER god nok, jeg ER tilstrekkelig, og jeg ER mer enn kroppen min.

    Ikke at dette fult ut er et naturlig (eller enkelt!) valg og en naturlig måte å leve på, men det er nå også en del av mitt “vokabular”. Og det gir litt mer handlingsrom for valg – andre valg – valg som er gode for meg.

    Kanskje som da du valgte (ubevisst, hvem vet?) å begynne å gå i stedet for å vente på faren din – og kjente på den friheten det ga deg? Og da du valgte å fortsette å telle dagene (og timene)? Selv om det ikke føles som det du VILLE, så er det jo gode valg for deg, eller? VELG å tro det! Heier på deg! Fortsett å telle! Finn flere/ andre mestringstrategier for å takle de vanskelige og vonde følelsene. Lett, vanskelig… jeg vet…!! – men det funker jo:-)

    Det er en tøff vei, men du går den! DU! Du klarer dette. VI klarer dette. Vi kjenner de vanskelige sidene i livet – vi fortjener også å fullt ut kjenne de gode, positive, fine sidene! Du og! Tvil aldri på det. Spesielt ikke på regnværsdagene.

  4. 6 Fre´derike 18. August 2013 at 07:58

    I’m so happy about the translation, makes it much easier for me :) greetings from germany, you can get through this <3 hope I can manage 4 days without bp in some time, i don't want to be like this anymore, but i just can't help myself

  5. 8 Helene Sophie 19. August 2013 at 13:42

    Åååå, det var fint å lese at du hadde en fin dag!!! :-)

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Bloggen skrives av Aria, 25 år.

Mer om meg og bloggen, finner du [HER].

Bloggen inneholder sterke bilder og det finnes innhold som kanskje kan virke triggende enkelte.

Jeg har to hunder jeg til stadighet nevner, lille Zahra som er av rasen italiensk mynde, født i 2006 og Nick, en whippetgutt som ble født i 2012.

Skriving er terapi. Tekstene er personlige, les med respekt.

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Ber om at © respekteres, både i forhold til tekst og bilder!





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